Casper Candlewacks

Posts Tagged ‘treason’

You may remember that I sent a copy of Casper Candlewacks to Wills ‘n’ Kate for their wedding, apologising for stealing their limelight and asking for a knighthood. (If you don’t remember, or if you love clicking links, click HERE).

Well, you’ll be glad to hear that I got a reply! A lovely, typed reply from a woman named Gemma from the office of TRH The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and HRH Prince Henry of Wales. I presume it was dictated by Wills or Kate over Gemma’s shoulder after dinner one evening with a glass of sherry. I imagine they spent a while thinking about how to word this heartfelt note of thanks, how best to ignore the fact that I sort of insulted them and their children and made light of their achievements. Anyway, I’ll copy down what I got below:

Dear Mr. Brett,

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge (that’s Wills ‘n’ K8 to us laypeople) have asked me to thank you most sincerely for the book, which you so generously sent (too right it was generous. They cost £5.99 in Waterstones (unless you get them as part of the ’3 for 2′ offer, which is a good deal actually)) to mark the occasion of their Wedding. (Now here’s the first sign that they might not have read my letter. In fact the main reason for my writing was to apologise for my stealing their limelight. Never mind, we’ll let that pass.)

Their Royal Highnesses very much appreciated your incredibly kind thought (Alright Gemma, don’t spread it on too thickly. It’s only a book for goodness’ sake. A sceptic might think you use this exact same letter for every gift no matter how expensive and just pasted in the word ‘chandelier’ or ‘flying car’ or, in my case, ‘book’.) and we were so touched that you took the trouble to send a gift. (Well that’s nice. I made their little royal days, didn’t I!)

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge (you could probably get away with ‘they’ by this point) regret that they are unable to respond personally to the many letters and gifts which they have received. (I mean, we’re all busy. I’m nose deep in edits for Casper Candlewacks 3 for goodness’ sake. Now I happen to know that yesterday they attended their FIRST public function since the wedding. Crikey, what a busy month, then.) They would, however, have me send you their warmest thanks and very best wishes.

Yours Sincerely,

Gemma Kaza

Now that is lovely. I feel like I’m basically a member of the royal family now. I’ll pack a little bag and head over to St. James’ palace now. We could have a little slumber party, watch Shrek, eat marshmallows and gossip about girls. Can’t wait!

Anyway, you plebs, I’d better go. You can still ASK CASPER which I’d highly recommend you do, because he won’t reply with an over-appreciative form response which seems laughably out of scale given that you only gave him a book.

Yours sincerely,

HRH The Duke and Duchess of The Mouldy Bit on The Carpet Over There, His Holiness (of the sock) Ivan Brett esq.

What follows is the transcript of an actual letter that I actually sent to actual Willie Windsor and Kate Middleton (now the actual Duke and Duchess of Cambridge) a week or so before their wedding. Also enclosed was a copy of ‘Casper Candlewacks in Death by Pigeon!’, generously signed by the author (who is me). Enjoy:

Dear Wills ‘n’ Kate,

Can I call you Wills ‘n’ Kate? I feel like what with all the media attention we’ve been getting in recent weeks we’re practically on first-name terms. Well, hasn’t it been an exciting couple of months, what with your wedding and my book coming out…we really haven’t had a moment to ourselves, have we? The papers just haven’t shut up about what dress I might wear for the launch and how I’ll cope with the pressure of being second-in-line to the front of the Waterstones shelf.

Anyway, I’m writing for two reasons, really. Firstly, obviously, to congratulate you on the wedding. What wonderful news! (On that note, I know there’s barely a week until the big day but I still haven’t received that invite…sorry, I know it’s a little awkward, but could you get Charles to send another one?) But secondly, and most importantly if you don’t mind me saying, I need to apologise. You see, as you’ll no doubt have gathered by now, the very day before you walk down the aisle my very first children’s book, ‘Casper Candlewacks in Death by Pigeon!’, hits the shelves of all good bookshops. There’ll be parties in the street, riots outside every shop and champagne corks popping all over the place. The media’s so excited about plucky little Casper’s misadventures that there’s precious few column inches spare for your wedding. To be honest, I do feel a bit guilty. I mean, you’re a stonking couple and you deserve a lovely wedding, but it’s just a little unfortunate the big day had to fall so close to, oh go on I’ll say it, the social event of the year.

I won’t keep you long. I know you’ll have literally dozens of congratulatory letters to read and I’m certain you do read them all. You don’t want silly old me blathering on for pages on end about my literary exploits. I’ve enclosed a copy of my book as a sort of consolation present, and I hope you don’t hold it against me. I don’t know if you’re allowed to chop off heads any more but I really like mine and I’m planning to hold onto it for at least until the Olympics.

Ooh, I almost forgot. This is a kids’ book – don’t be insulted. I was thinking that maybe there’ll be a Mini-Widdleton to read the book to a couple of years down the line. (If this does happen, please skip pages 215-217 as they’re a little scary and I don’t want to mentally scar the third-in-line to the throne unless I really have to.)

Well, I’d best be off. I need to get down to Tesco’s by tea-time or I won’t have any milk, and you know what Tesco’s are like, they’ll probably only have 2-pinters and I don’t get through that much before the sell-by date. Sorry, I’m rambling. I do that.

Hugs ‘n’ Kisses,

Ivan Brett

Well, there you have it. If you do see my head rolling past you down the street and if it isn’t attached to my body, please spare a thought for my valiant efforts at appeasing the royal couple, and maybe buy a couple of copies of my book to commemorate the event.

p.s. For those of you who don’t believe I sent it, here’s proof:

…and the inscription: