Casper Candlewacks

What follows is the transcript of an actual letter that I actually sent to actual Willie Windsor and Kate Middleton (now the actual Duke and Duchess of Cambridge) a week or so before their wedding. Also enclosed was a copy of ‘Casper Candlewacks in Death by Pigeon!’, generously signed by the author (who is me). Enjoy:

Dear Wills ‘n’ Kate,

Can I call you Wills ‘n’ Kate? I feel like what with all the media attention we’ve been getting in recent weeks we’re practically on first-name terms. Well, hasn’t it been an exciting couple of months, what with your wedding and my book coming out…we really haven’t had a moment to ourselves, have we? The papers just haven’t shut up about what dress I might wear for the launch and how I’ll cope with the pressure of being second-in-line to the front of the Waterstones shelf.

Anyway, I’m writing for two reasons, really. Firstly, obviously, to congratulate you on the wedding. What wonderful news! (On that note, I know there’s barely a week until the big day but I still haven’t received that invite…sorry, I know it’s a little awkward, but could you get Charles to send another one?) But secondly, and most importantly if you don’t mind me saying, I need to apologise. You see, as you’ll no doubt have gathered by now, the very day before you walk down the aisle my very first children’s book, ‘Casper Candlewacks in Death by Pigeon!’, hits the shelves of all good bookshops. There’ll be parties in the street, riots outside every shop and champagne corks popping all over the place. The media’s so excited about plucky little Casper’s misadventures that there’s precious few column inches spare for your wedding. To be honest, I do feel a bit guilty. I mean, you’re a stonking couple and you deserve a lovely wedding, but it’s just a little unfortunate the big day had to fall so close to, oh go on I’ll say it, the social event of the year.

I won’t keep you long. I know you’ll have literally dozens of congratulatory letters to read and I’m certain you do read them all. You don’t want silly old me blathering on for pages on end about my literary exploits. I’ve enclosed a copy of my book as a sort of consolation present, and I hope you don’t hold it against me. I don’t know if you’re allowed to chop off heads any more but I really like mine and I’m planning to hold onto it for at least until the Olympics.

Ooh, I almost forgot. This is a kids’ book – don’t be insulted. I was thinking that maybe there’ll be a Mini-Widdleton to read the book to a couple of years down the line. (If this does happen, please skip pages 215-217 as they’re a little scary and I don’t want to mentally scar the third-in-line to the throne unless I really have to.)

Well, I’d best be off. I need to get down to Tesco’s by tea-time or I won’t have any milk, and you know what Tesco’s are like, they’ll probably only have 2-pinters and I don’t get through that much before the sell-by date. Sorry, I’m rambling. I do that.

Hugs ‘n’ Kisses,

Ivan Brett

Well, there you have it. If you do see my head rolling past you down the street and if it isn’t attached to my body, please spare a thought for my valiant efforts at appeasing the royal couple, and maybe buy a couple of copies of my book to commemorate the event.

p.s. For those of you who don’t believe I sent it, here’s proof:

…and the inscription:

3 Responses to “I think I’ve committed treason…”