Casper Candlewacks

Hi, Internet. Can you hear me?

I don’t know how this thing works, really. We don’t get fancy things like computers or microwaves in Corne-on-the-Kobb. In my house we only get electricity because Lamp built a rod that catches all the lightning and saves it all up for when it gets dark.

Anyway, my name’s Casper Candlewacks, I’m eleven years old and some strange man with floppy hair has just given me a sheet of paper with questions on it and asked me to give some answers. While I speak he’s tapping away at a tappy thing and the words I’m saying are popping up on the screen. Like this. And this. Will you just write anything I say? BLAAAH. POTTED WEASELS. THE FLOPPY-HAIRED MAN IS AN IDIOT. HE LOOKS STUPID WHEN HE TAPS ON HIS TAPPY THING. Ah, this will never get old.

OK, so I’d better answer your questions:

“Is your mum an idiot? And your dad too?” - anon, from Bigland Green

They’re both idiots, yeah. In their own way. Mum watches a lot of TV, and I mean a LOT. She only ever gets up off the sofa during the weather reports, and that’s only because she never goes outside. You know those shows that come on at lunchtime that you only see when you’re ill, about knitting or watercolours, and you wonder who ever watches them? Yeah, it’s my mum. My dad’s a chef. Well, he calls himself a chef, but if he is then so’s anybody who can start a fire in a frying pan. Once he burnt my ice cream. How do you even do that?

“Where would you like to go for your summer holiday?” - Emma

I’ve never been abroad. I heard there were tigers. I’d quite like Scotland because they catch and eat this animal called a ‘Haggis’. I don’t know anything more about the ‘Haggis’ though, and what I do know was told to me by Mitch McMassive who you shouldn’t trust really.  Once he told me that birds fly south in winter because there’s a 50% sale off spare beaks every christmas in France.

“Casper, how do you run away from a tiger?” - Jake

Don’t know…I’ve never been abroad. I hope you didn’t need the answer urgently though. Well, my guess is you sprint as fast as you can towards the nearest paint shop. Buy a tin of orange paint and a tin of black. Then paint yourself in stripes and roar a bit. Hopefully the tiger will make friends with you instead. If this doesn’t work, learn to fly. Tigers can’t fly.

“Was it fun driving the Bubbel Buggy?” - Will

It was terrifying! After a while you get used to the popping sensation and it’s really good fun, but it doesn’t half shake your bum. Lamp doesn’t believe in suspension, you see. He said “If I wanted suspension, I would’ve made it float.” I couldn’t sit down properly for a week.

“Do you like swimming?” - William

Ooh no. We don’t have a pool in Corne-on-the-Kobb, but we do have the river Kobb. It’s frrrrrreezing and full of sharks.

“What does B.A.D. stand for?” - Kai

Beavers Are Dirty. It’s true as well. Once, as a punishment, I had to clean sixty beavers until they were sparkling. Took me three days (with lunch breaks).

“Have you ever been bitten by a pigeon?” – Anton

Yeah, and it hurt like mad. I got attacked by a whole man-pecking flock when The Great Tiramisu cursed the village. Tell you what, I’d rather clean a million beavers than be eaten by pigeons. Imagine your last thought as you slipped down its gullet being “Cor, pigeon’s breath doesn’t half stink!”

“How do you make a monkey laugh?” - Samuel

Print jokes on the skin of its bananas.

“How would you tame a man-eating pigeon?” - Rtvik

I wouldn’t. I’d just run far far away (or to the nearest paint shop for a tin of grey paint).

“When’s your birthday? And what would you like for your birthday present?”

It’s in April at some point, but neither of my parents remember when. So we just celebrate my birthday over the whole month. One day we have the cake, the next day we clear up the cake. One day Dad gets me a present (last year it was a bag of courgettes from the local shop), the next day I take it back to the shop and spend the money on sweets. As for what I want, if it’s a choice between courgettes and sweets then I’ll take the sweets.

I’m exhausted now! People don’t often ask questions in Corne-on-the-Kobb, and if they do they’ve normally wandered off before you can give a good answer. It was nice to chat, anyway.

(You can read all about Casper’s adventures in ‘Casper Candlewacks in Death by Pigeon!’ by me, the floppy-haired typist, Ivan Brett. If you’re reading this in the future you should ride your hovercars to the nearest book shop and look out for his other adventures, ‘Casper Candlewacks in The Claws of Crime’ and ‘Casper Candlewacks in Attack of the Braniacs’. Enjoy!)